The page under major re-write. Please keep comin back.

The flower is scorched...This film is on..On a maddening Loop..

updated 12.28.08..// 2:00a.m.

This is the second, third, maybe fourth version of my story. The first page grew and grew until it was pretty much out of it's original context. This revision hopfully will be less difficult to read.

from 9.1.06--alittle thought addition. feeling from this night

I have tried to edit and re-write my story as it were and am still as of this date 08/10/06-(now 12-9-08).
This is the most difficult os all pages in this website. Not doing the backgrounds, or icons but placing heart notes within the lines without going off into another tangent, chasing other rabbits, heading down other highways. If i could keep everything impersonal and cold, just a list of events--it would be easy...but I have tryed that and it went off in all directions. There is too much emotion, too many wounds have to be reopened, too many scabs rebleed, but I am used to that. My mind is seasoned for eternal pain and darkness. I have been there for as long as I had recollection. Yeah, there have been seasons of peace, joy, laughter but then.......I haven't tryed to write anything on this page in 2 years and 3 months I think. I have avoided it. For atleast 5 years of alittle more I have changed-or perhaps a better word would be regressed. And the wars begin again. It has been hell, battle scarred, I think perhaps in many ways much worse than the beginning of the wars in my life. Now, I feel more chained, and obviously I am older than I was in the adolesent and teen years. It is not easy, believe me. So many events you want to cover and then there are some you leave out only to go back and realize they belong. Life is changing at an alarmng rate. Things, everything. There doesn't have to be a tomorrow. My life had begun to circle back around in the 360 degree loop of many years ago...I will attempt, with time and patience to put it down. I have changed one of my docs, i had begun self-medicating after ions but got a handle on it after a couple years later....Borderline risks and addictions returning? Vigilence..I must be watchful..but it is too much, I can't do it all. PLEASE realize YOU or a suffering loved one is not destined to the relapses i have had nor the crash and booms. Many of my drops have been from peronsal things..MAY I STRESS__THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN GET OR GIVE A SUFFERING LOVED ONE IS SUPPORT

my life at the moment seems to be a chinese ping-pong game. i am falling apart one moment and better the next. You cannot judge your own DX and recovery by mine. each one is personal. Speaking to loved ones of a sufferer; the BEST and most VALUABLE thing you can do is simply pour out your support. Trust me.....

---I have stalled, and stalled,tryed and cryed--trying to figure out what to put here. there is so much I could write and alot of it be negative towards the reader. Lord knows I have had my share of battles with Demons...the Demons of all sorts. Those of this world and those of a plane not understood unless one has walked upon the planks of flooring that support the other. The world of self induldgance--whether little pills, 'other stuff' alcohol, self injury-- nor anything that falls into this.....to relieve ones pain, lonliness, emptiness, horror, dred, uselessness, no where to go or fit--thus one will go where angel's fear to tread to find that cure--that filling---that feeling--to be fullfilled. to know, to really know.

As of now, I have been more "up" for longest in my life. I have blues, but I haven't dropped out except once when I ran out of my most important med and I hit bottom, the sadness, the darkness the other things came and went. When I was able to afford the refills, I went back to where I am now. I hover but still have a longing-which not is not part of the imbalance I know now....the desire, the need...to be usefull--to help---to jump in head first against the odds--to ---well never mind..that's another story--i have a (more to come---songs listened to whille writing this: Elton john's Ticking----Evananece's My Immortal) 12.10.08 ----------

now the wee hours of sunday morn 12/28/08, i sit in a stupor almost, coming from a dark revere' of a place i try not to go as little as i must. for the first time today, the world around me became silent. the CD player has been acting up over the last week or two, not changing on it's own, so i musr grab the remote and swap to the next CD. there was a long period when it got quiet between R.E.M.'s 'around the sun' where i checked and tweeked one of my webrings, 'suicide hurts'. the sound of silence and only my brain to red to visualize the pain again of each one that i can identify with, though one thing seperates us, they have departed and i am still hanging behind. only the words and pain of the family and friends are left behind in the memorials, but they say a zillion times more than they realize and the echo of their echoes never end. but those left behind shoould find that solitude some how, that they loved ones didnt want to die, they simply wanted to end the pain. the pain became so great, it overshadowed everyting else, it had to stop, they had to find a way to stop it. it overwhelmed them, their every thought and feeling. they did and had done all they could do...they had to end the pain...yo have to have struggled with it to know--so don't judge in ignorance. recorded not long before the 0ctober 1977 plane crash- i found my way to that very CD and my CD's players remote and moved to teh next, Lynrd Skynrd's Live in Atlanta's Fox Theater "One more from the road" began, and I began typing this section from the last paragrah break til now..till i stop for the night (morning) to find my way to the bed.